#Personal: Talking About My Family

Happy July 2nd!

I’m back on writing again after a long hiatus. It’s time to update this blog more often than I should and I mean it. I should really do something about my writing skills. Today, I will talk about something personal. It’s about stuff that happened a few months ago.

 

It all started two weeks before I got married. I invited one of my aunts on my father’s side to be one of my primary sponsors. I was dead set on choosing her because I would’ve never had the opportunity to work in Globe if it wasn’t for her.

We were supposed to meet on a Saturday, but she told us that we should meet on Sunday instead. It was Mother’s day when we visited them at Antipolo. I know that I will meet most of my aunts and uncles but I didn’t expect all of them to make it because from personal experiences,  not everybody can make it due to other reasons. However. they proved me wrong when everybody was there, even my dad.

I was ecstatic, surprised and excited to see him. It has been a long time since I’ve heard of him and I remember sending him some e-mails about how I feel and about how I wanted to get to know him more. We didn’t become close right away but there was a certain familiarity and assurance when we interacted. I didn’t know if I should feel shy or make the most of it. Deep inside, I know that it won’t last that long. It will take months or years again to see him and be with him, and before I know it… it’s time to go home.

I didn’t want to regret that moment. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to get to know him better and be with him. I would like to have have an idea about who he is and what it is like to be with him and probably, save some memories of us together while I still can.

It was nice hanging out with him and having a heart-to-heart conversation with him. I’m quite glad that I’m already an adult when we reached this point, because I have forgiven him already and what matters to me most is that I still got the chance to learn more about him and have my own memories about him.

For years, I’ve only known him based on what my mother told me. Her perspective somehow honed the person I regarded as my biological father. Not knowing the facts and his real personality or characteristics, I was left with the idea of him. And like the others, I was hungry for more information. I wanted to know this person and validate the persona behind her perspective. It was as if, my mother was a writer or a storyteller, and she was narrating one of her antihero in her story. But, he’s real. And I wanted to know more and be a part of that story. I no longer want to be a listener or an audience. I want to be a part of that story too.

 

And so when I met him, I asked him to attend my wedding. I asked him because he missed so much. He missed most of my life and most of how I became to be. I asked him to make up for the lost time and own it. I needed him to be there. I gathered all my courage to ask him that because I may not have the opportunity to do it again. If he will, he would be doing that for me and not for the others. It would just mean that he wants to be a part of my life even just for a day or for just a few hours. It matters to me. It means everything to me. And I’m glad he did.

My relatives on his side, never failed to surprise me. Amidst, not being part of the entourage, they willingly committed to attend my wedding. Regardless if they are part of the entourage or not. Unconditionally, they supported me without the need to beg them to attend. It was more than enough. I couldn’t have asked for more. My only regret was, if I had only known, I would have chosen most of them to be a part of my wedding. However, it’s all done now and all I can do is to make sure that they become a part of my life now.

 

I was wrong to think that the people I grew up with and treasured, were the only ones I need to be with on my special day. It was late when I realized, I needed all of them to be there. It was already late when I realized that I need all of them and I am grateful to them because they spent that day with me and supported me on my new journey. It was late when I realized that I spent half of my life regretting the things I should’ve done. That I should’ve reached out to them a long time ago, that I should have told them how much I appreciated them and how grateful I am to be a part of their lives.

I was naive to believe that things won’t change. I was naive to believe that events such as the ones I grew up with are family traditions that will happen yearly. I was so convinced that those family traditions won’t get old. But… my aunts and uncles on my mother’s side are getting older. They aren’t the same people they used to be. Some of them have already passed away. Some of them are too old to have long drives. Most of my cousins have their own families. Most of my cousins are “too busy,” like me. That hanging-out was such a task and nobody’s got the time for that anymore. Even special holidays are better spent amongst their own families and that’s just too sad. So unfortunate for the younger ones, nieces, nephews, cousins, grandchildren and in-laws, to miss out on all the fun we used to have.

That’s just one of the realities in this millennial era.

 

Moving along…

 

I didn’t think much about choosing my other relatives on my father’s side at that time because I didn’t grow up with them. I thought they don’t want to be a part of my wedding because we barely had the chance to be together. However, they proved me wrong. They were in fact, more excited than my relatives on my mother’s side.

Ino and I had decided to choose most of the entourage on my mother’s side because I’ve known them all my life and regardless of our family/clan drama, I consider all of them as my important guests on my wedding. Sadly, not all of them made it to our wedding. Some had to be replaced by other relatives (“proxy”) because it’s a working weekday and they cannot be absent from work or school, — regardless if I have informed them a year in advance or a few months in advance.

I was very stressed out at that time. I’ve exhausted everyone on my list. It’s a good thing that my relatives on my father’s side are more than willing to be a part of my wedding. They were my lifesavers. They made my wedding much more meaningful because they really attended the wedding and became a part of my special day.

I was able to have a family moment even if there’s a little awkwardness to it. Still, my not-so-perfect wedding still pushed through and it still went well.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks or a month after that where Ino and I were invited to my cousin’s debut. I was requested to sing on her birthday and I gladly obliged.

My mother already had a hunch that we will meet my other siblings.

It’s a well-known family history. I am one of the poster child for UNICEF. My mother and father separated when I was a baby. I was adopted by my mother’s sister and her husband. They adopted me and raised me. They also took care of my mom and we lived there for as long as I can remember. They also adopted my cousin a few years before they adopted me.

My sister from my mother was born after five years. When I was around 10 years old or older, I’ve learned that my father also had 2 other children from another woman. A few years ago, I heard he had another child from another woman. Then, when I invited him on my wedding he told me he has another son.

Boy, that was a crazy narration of my family tree. I don’t regret any of it though. It was their personal choices and decisions, one that I don’t have any control of. It happened as I was growing up and it’s part of who I have become.

 

Perhaps, you are wondering why I am bringing this up.

Last night was my cousin’s debut and for the first time, I met my brothers. Growing up, I know that my other siblings exist, but it was just an idea for me. I’ve never thought that I would really meet them. I thought that it wouldn’t happen. I never imagined that I would. Not until I did.

I grew up with my sister in the same house. I grew up having issues with her because I couldn’t accept the fact that my mother fell in love with someone else. I fought with her when we were young because I hated the fact that she exists, and she has to live with me everyday. It was just later when she had her own child, that I realized it was not her fault that she existed. It was not her fault that she had to grew up with me. It was not her fault to be a part of my family. She happens to exist because my parents made decisions that I don’t have any control of.

I grew up with her and experienced what it was like to have a sibling. There are times when I would toy about the idea of my other siblings living with me. The idea of having a complete family was surreal. It was unimaginable and unrealistic. It was crazy. For I know that these siblings that I have are not only theirs. And my greatest fear was to have a broken family again and meet the same fate, — to have different children from different partners or to be left by my husband for other mistresses.

 

Then, I had to go back to reality and attend my cousin’s debut along with my husband and my mom. I met the youngest of my father’s child and he was cute and very smart. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know how to address him or how to interact with him. It was more than the feeling of being stunned. It was more than a feeling of “I know what this is. I already have a sister from my own mother, I’m used to this.” It was never that simple.

I know they exists. I know they are real but seeing them and being able to be with them was a different story. They are after all, my father’s offsprings. I’m dying to know them. I wanted to talk to them and tell them, “Hey! I’m your big sister. I want to know you more. I want to be a part of your life.” But I can’t. I was too weak to do that. I was just happy to see my father and be able to call him papa at that time

Last night, I realized that I was stopping myself from that realization. I do not want the reality to sink in and I was stopping myself from understanding that these boys are my brothers. I already have a sister. We don’t get along most of the time. We don’t understand each other because I hated her when I was young. I didn’t give her a chance because I was angry. We didn’t have a good relationship. And it freaked me out, when I realized that I’m glad I never had the chance to live with my other siblings.

 

Perhaps, it’s the right time to meet them. I’m already 28 and one of my younger brothers is already on his 20s. I could understand the awkwardness and tension. I understand that we are uncomfortable to talk and face reality. I wouldn’t really know what to say.

My initial reaction was, “I thought we’re gonna attend a debut, not a family reunion.” Because I didn’t really think that I’m gonna meet them anytime soon. I was curious about how they look. I was curious if they look like me or my dad. They say I look like my dad and I can see how I resemble my aunts. And seeing them, made me think that yeah… they are my father’s sons.

I’m just saying that it was unplanned and I was caught off guard. I’m glad to meet them and I wish we can have a chance to talk again next time. I would like to meet them and get to know them just like my father.

It was shocking and surprising but it was what made that night memorable for me.

 

I also realized something while I was writing this.

I was wrong to blame my sister for being born and for being raised in the same house. I regret hurting her physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I regret blaming her for whatever it is that happened to me. I am sorry for hurting her and for making her feel unwelcome.

I also realized that no matter how wrong my parents’ decisions are, I didn’t have to take it to the others and be angry with them or hate them. I realized that they didn’t want any of it and they exists because they are the results of a choice. They are good or bad decisions that constitutes not only my parents lives but also my life.

If for anything, I would like to be with them and spend time with them. I hope this is not the last and I hope that there will be more chances in the future.

 

P.S

I do not hate my parents anymore. I do not want to blame them anymore for their decisions. I just realized that blaming them wouldn’t change anything. They made decisions for a reason. They may have been happy in the process that’s why they stick up for it and I respect that. In time, perhaps I’ll heal and understand why they did what they did. Hopefully, I won’t need to be separated from my husband to find my own happiness.

Being An Adult

It’s kinda stressful to be an adult. It’s very challenging to deal with things on the spot and it freaks me out. Sometimes I wish that I’m just a fictional character. That although I face hardships in life, I can and I will get through it and eventually have a happy ending.

But reality isn’t the same.

You’ll just have to face the present no matter how scary it is. No matter how you dread the reactions of others about your decision, the end result of your decision to your career, where your hard earned money will go after this very crucial decision.

I would like to say that I always try to be honest with my interviews. However, I kinda slipped yesterday. Although, I have mentioned that I’m working part-time, I forgot to tell the interviewer that I’m still working with them and I can’t start working right away. If only I have said that, I wouldn’t probably burn some bridges with my part-time employers.

And what would happen to my incoming salary? I really don’t know. This is stressing me out. If I can still get my money, it would be a big help to pay for my bills. I really don’t know what to do and I’m starting to hate the bank that my part-time chose because they are not doing anything to help.

Anyway, so that’s what my rant is about.

I haven’t told my Team Leader about it yet, and it also freaks me out.

I hope that I can sort things out and solve this problem.

Catching Up On A Tuesday

I know that I haven’t posted anything since my last entry. I remember writing about blogging from time to time as one of my goals and yet not doing so because of so many things that have happened over the past few months.

 

To re-cap:

 

I’m finally free from all the guilt that I have and all the pent-up emotions that I’ve been keeping for years. I was cool at first but I ended up breaking down to Papa yesterday, as I have told him about how my life has been since I left Antipolo.

It wasn’t easy. It was actually something that I wanted to tell them. It was something that I wanted to rub on their faces. It was something that I thought would show my pride.

It started when one of my aunts asked me about my wedding budget. So I showed her our finances. After that, she asked me about my plans after our wedding and where will my mom stay if the condo will be sold this year.

This is quite personal, but I’m going to give you a glimpse of my life for today.

I’ve already explained to them in detail. I’ve already told them how mom is like and what our plans are for her. However, things won’t work out the way we want it to be if she doesn’t have any plans for herself.

“It’s like talking to a wall,” I said.

She’s not the type who’s open to suggestions and solutions. Simply because, she wants things the easy way. She only wants things to be handed over to her while the others work their asses off and give it for free.

I’ve been trying to understand her and stood by her ever since we left Antipolo. However, my efforts aren’t enough. Not now, when I’m just a part-timer. Not now, when I’m still preparing for my wedding. Not now, when I know that she doesn’t want to help herself. Her initiative and drive to earn and make a living to sustain her needs should also be instilled in her. She should be our role model but she isn’t.

Oh, I value her care and how she takes care of me. I’m thankful and grateful for that but she isn’t perfect and her imperfections make it hard for us. It was bad enough that my relatives have to rub it in my face. And frankly speaking, I’m well aware of what’s going on. If only I have the means, I wouldn’t hesitate to help her. But I also have a lot on my plate right now and they aren’t helping at all.

I just hate the fact that they used the situation to go high and mighty on me. I was just beginning my life as an adult and I thought that I’m doing well as a self-efficient individual. I’ve been stuck on the idea of pleasing others that Ino often reminds me that I shouldn’t bother about pleasing them all the time. But still I do it because that’s what makes me at ease.

Now, I just have to let things go. I just don’t care about what they think right now or how bad they perceived me to be. I’m gonna live my life the way I want it to be.

I’m way past anger and I’ve accepted that I lost. I have never asked for anybody’s help ever since Mama Babes passed away. I have never asked for any financial support from Papa. I was in debt for more than a year, had to work for more than 8 hours everyday to sustain my life, and paid for everything that I need on my own. I never asked for anyone’s help because I don’t want to hear people telling me that I’m not grateful enough.

Now, I just don’t really care. If Papa will give me some money or not, it’s his choice. I am not gonna impose any amount or whatever. I just hope that he will see it the way I see it, that I’m grateful enough. That sending me to school is enough. That having his name is enough. That even if I need something, I just want him to appreciate everything that I’ve experienced. I just want him to be proud of my simple accomplishments. And if he will ever give me something, I hope that he will give me something on his own volition.

 

Aside from that, I’ve already accepted that I didn’t get the job that I was hoping for. I’ve gotten over it. Now, I’m just waiting for the go signal for my full-time job. I’m just enjoying my free time and my schedule as a part-time employee. Perhaps, it will be given to me when I’m 100% ready to wake up early and give my best for 8 hours.

I’m still open to other possibilities but I won’t be rushing anymore.

His will be done.

How to get a TIN ID

Long time no post.

I’ve been trying to make this entry since this afternoon but my drafts were gone and it was not published. 🙁

 

Anyway, this entry will be about getting a Taxpayer Identification Number ID. I’ve been searching for a similar post online but I couldn’t find one. Google gave me different websites to visit but neither of those pages answered my questions. Even the Bureau of Internal Revenue (BIR) website doesn’t have any answers to my questions. They only have some answers about getting a TIN and I don’t need it anymore since I already have one.

Having a TIN ID and a SSS ID are very important. These IDs are usually used to present in the bank or other personal transactions. You need these IDs to present so that you can open a bank account, receive money, encash your cheque, etc.

I have already applied for my unified SSS ID before and I already have one. I also have a PhilHealth ID but I don’t have a TIN ID. Unfortunately, the new bank that I’m going to open a new account with do not accept PhilHealth IDs as a requirement. So, the HR in my part time job told me to get a TIN ID so that she can give me an endorsement letter to the bank.

Not knowing the basic things such as how to get one or if I still have to pay a certain amount to get one led me to make a research online. As I’ve said, it sucks that the main government office’s website doesn’t have a straightforward answer to this. The site also was not as user friendly as it is supposed to be but that’s just one of the things they need to improve on.

Google redirected me to outdated entries that do not necessarily answer my questions. So, I decided to go to the Mandaluyong branch of BIR instead. I also brought some money in case I have to pay something for the ID.

 

I don’t often wake up early and I’ve been meaning to do so since last week. It’s a good thing that I was able to start the week right, by doing it now. My mother accompanied me to BIR this morning. We went around 9 AM to avoid the long queue of people for different purposes.

At first, there was a signage in the front desk that the TIN ID is unavailable. It was quite misleading so they should take the signage down if they knew better. So, I inquired at the front desk about it and the lady at the front desk told me that it’s already available and I should proceed to counter 6.

Counter 6 is actually a lane for Senior Citizens, PWDs, pregnant women, etc. So, when the staff at Counter 6 told me that I should go to another counter, I asked them why the lady at the front desk told me to go there. They eventually accommodated me and asked me to fill up the application for TIN ID form. However, after filling the form, another staff called my name and told me to go to BIR Pasig branch instead.

Nobody explained to me why I still need to go to another branch when they will only print the ID on a yellow paper (which honestly looks similar to the NBI Clearance paper). I mean, it’s just a laminated ID. It’s not like they will use the same material that was used for the SSS ID or the PhilHealth ID.

When I was ranting about this sentiment to my mom, she reasoned out that it was probably free that’s why the quality was not the same with the SSS ID or the PhilHealth ID. Still, it was quite a let down knowing that the BIR collects so much taxes from taxpayers. We also found out that the PhilHealth ID was free of charge when we were at Counter 6.

So, we didn’t have a choice but to go to Pasig. We hailed a regular cab and got there around 10. The BIR office doesn’t have a proper signage outside the building as well, so I almost got lost in getting there. I’m really thankful that my mom showed me the entrance to the BIR office and we were able to get there on time.

It was almost lunch time when we arrived so the number of people inside the BIR office is slowly increasing. It’s a good thing that I was able to get a number for counter 3 right away. The guard gave me a different form because he said that the form in Mandaluyong and in Pasig are different.

 

How come they have different forms? The mere fact that I need to go to another branch just to get an ID sucks. It just shows that they don’t have a unified system or something that consolidates with other branches. It’s quite a hassle and waste of time, fare and effort to deal with these lapses.

In addition, the staffs in both branches are not really friendly and accommodating. They seem quite bossy and may lack some people skills. One of the staff in the counter 2 of BIR Pasig actually made fun of one of the taxpayers because the latter doesn’t know which form should he fill in. Instead of guiding the taxpayer properly and respectfully, he treated the taxpayer like he is someone lower than him. It was distasteful and really ill-mannered of the staff. This staff is a middle aged man who treats his colleagues like they are in a party chatting over alcoholic drinks. Beware of this kind of government employees. 

 

Going back to my experience in the BIR office…

As if I have a choice, I filled in the form again and waited for my number to be called. There was a queue already and although there are more than 12 or 14 counters, the people still need to wait for their turn and for their numbers to be called.

The thing is, you need to go there early if you don’t want to waste so much time waiting in the queue. Also, you need to properly check your personal information because once the yellow paper is printed with errors, the staff might ask you to pay P100. It’s a good thing that the staff didn’t ask me to pay for my misspelled name. I only figured out that the encoder wrote FRANCESCA instead of FRANCHESCA when I received my TIN ID. It’s a good thing that I saw it while I was there and was able to have it changed at the same time.

How could they even mistype it? They have already asked for another ID but they still wrote a different name on a white sheet of paper!!

 

Anyway…

The answers to my questions are:

 

Q: Do I need to pay for the TIN ID?

A: No. You can get your TIN ID for free.

 

Q: Can I claim the ID on the same day or do I have to go back to their office to get it on another day?

A: I’m not sure about the exact answer to this. It may be a case to case basis, but in my experience, I got it on the same day. I only waited for a few minutes since they encode the information right away.

 

Q: How do I apply for a TIN ID?

A: Here’s the step by step procedure on how to get your TIN ID.

 

 

1. Go to the BIR branch where you registered your TIN number. This is my theory, I never got the chance to know if this is true, but I figured that the reason I was sent to Pasig was because I registered my TIN ID in Pasig 8 years ago. 

 

2. Fill up the TIN ID application form and get a number from the guard  The number indicates your turn to go to the assigned counter, in my case it was counter 3. 

3. Wait for your number to be called in the counter you are assigned to.

4. When your number is called at the counter, pass the form to the staff and present a different ID (this is for the encoder to copy the proper spelling of your name, I guess.) Lo and behold, you already presented a different ID but they still copied your name and address wrong. So… carefully read your information before you tell them that everything is correct. Make sure that  the spelling of your name, address and other information are correct. Of course, most especially your TIN number.

5. Wait for your name to be called and get another ID to present to get your TIN ID. I suggest you give another ID with the same address to be sure. I actually gave my SSS ID this afternoon but my address on that ID was different from my PhilHealth ID.

6. Once you are called by the encoder, he or she will return your other ID and ask you to check your personal info on a paper. He will ask you to encircle the mistyped information and change it. He will also tell you to sign at the bottom of your information and put the date on that day. So… carefully read your information before you tell them that everything is correct. Make sure that  the spelling of your name, address and other information are correct. Of course, most especially your TIN number.

7. Usually, the encoder will call your name again. He will give you your TIN ID and it’s done. You’ll just have to put a 1×1 picture on the right side and sign on the left side.

 

My mistake was that I only encircled the block instead of the apartment unit number. I was so focused on the address, my TIN number and my birthdate that I missed the proper spelling of my name. It’s a good thing that the encoder was nice enough to do it again. He made a new one and corrected the spelling of my name. He didn’t charge me P100 anymore.

I just placed a picture on the card and had it laminated this afternoon so that I can open a bank account tomorrow. Even though it doesn’t have the same quality as the SSS ID and the PhilHealth ID, I’m still thankful that I’ve accomplished this task today. Tomorrow will be a new journey. I’ll try to post my experience again if I have enough time.

 

January Recap

I’ve been meaning to write since I quit my job. It’s almost February and here I am trying to write something as if I’ve been busy for a while. Truth is, I’m just at home most of the time or at the gym choosing what to play in my head while I stretch my arms or run or something.  I haven’t done much work since I resigned and I am really running out of funds. I basically struggled with earning money as a freelancer and I kinda sucked at getting things done. I would really like to blame our noisy apartment for being unsuccessful, but the thing is, the Internet was also not at par with Taiwan’s Internet speed.

The upside of basically chilling at home is you don’t need an alarm clock to tell you that you need to work your ass off. You also don’t need to always be in a hurry. However, I may have slacked a lot instead of having a productive time in cooking or cleaning the house. It’s not boredom that’s making me want to go out, but it’s the freedom to actually do something without always thinking about the time or to be in a hurry. Aside from having the urge to receive a monthly salary, the mere fact that I’m getting lazy to go out and do something worthwhile are eating me alive.

I guess, I just need to find a hobby or something else. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve applied to at least five companies this month and I’m proud to say that I got a job offer in 4 out of the 5 jobs that I’ve applied for. It’s just that I’ve been so picky with what I want to do this year.

Ino and I have just started our reservations in the church and our reception, and there’s still so much to deal with. Most of it are finance related so, we still have to take things at a time. I know that there’s so much pressure from all the preparations and the down payments needed for each wedding aspect. So, it’s really better if I could also earn a little.

I think I’ve written about my thoughts regarding having a simple dream before. To reiterate, I just want a simple life and I want to earn something for myself. I prefer to have simple but attainable dreams. I don’t really aim for unattainable or unrealistic dreams.

So, here I am trying to recap what has happened during my idle month.

Right now, I’m about to start my training in another Korean company. I still don’t know much about the details yet but this company feels like home to me. Probably it’s because of the same people that I used to work with, or the new environment, or probably it’s because it’s a small company. I don’t know. I’ll find out soon and write about it soon.

 

I still have a couple of entries that I haven’t posted. Those entries were taken last year but I am still feeling lazy and time constricted so I cannot post it tonight. However, if time permits then I might post it this February.

 

1st Week of January Musings

Hello from the other side!

I mean hello 2017! I’ve been meaning to write since I resigned in my previous company. I think I’ve been enjoying the long breaks and all the free time that I have too much; And as a result, I tend to forget that I need to write something or anything. However, whenever I try to upload some new photos or update the last 5 or 3 pages of this blog, I become more lazy by the day and I tend to close the windows and shut my laptop down.

Anyway, it’s already the 5th of January which means that I’ve slacked too much and people are already done with their resolutions and stuff. I’m not really planning to write my resolution for this year but I’m hoping for more great things to come.

Instead, I’d like to write some of my plans and the things that I’m looking forward to this year.

Let’s start, shall we?

 

  • Find a job. I’m officially unemployed and I’m somehow enjoying my free time. ‘Though I’m not busy with work and nobody’s paying me for anything, I was still busy with opening a new bank account and applying for a part-time home-based job.

 

  • Go to the gym. Budgeting my money from my last two salaries last December was so painfully stressful. I tried my best to follow the plan, but I somehow used some of the money for things that I want than what I need. On the other hand, I was able to allot some money for the two months promo in Gym Plus! I hope to go to the gym regularly ‘though.

 

  • Blog more often. I’ve been procrastinating since I was free from work. I’ve never been productive online since then. I tried to enlarge some of the photos here but I’m getting too lazy to finish it. This 2017, I’m planning to write whenever I feel like it and try to fight laziness from getting in the way of finishing what needs to be done. I want this blog to be more useful than last year. I need to be more serious and more passionate in writing quality entries this year.

 

  • Take more pictures. I just bought my own compact camera last year and I tried my best to take some photos of the places, events, restaurants and other interesting things that I’ve been to or that I’ve tried. However, my photos are not exactly blog worthy. Since I’m such a late bloomer in the field of photography, I didn’t get to enjoy taking photos the same way other people prioritize documentations passionately. It was just because of Saab Magalona that I really got interested in taking photos and uploading it to my website. She even inspired me to get my own domain and stay in WordPress. All in all, I really need to take photography seriously and take really nice shots since I have a decent camera to use. If I’m using it to document something, then I have to make sure that the quality of the photos are clear and worth posting online. I should really learn from my very shaky photographs last year.

 

  • Read more books. It’s quite ironic that I’ve told my students to read more but I don’t regularly do it. I’ve been preoccupied with so many things that I’ve taken reading for granted. I’ve been doing house chores, playing online games, sleeping, doing errands, and other things but it has been ages since I really read a book and sat on it for hours. I must read more often. I must enrich my vocabulary. I know that I need it for my next job. I need to be more efficient this year.

 

  • Write more stories. I used to say that I don’t have enough time to write. I’m very much busy with so many things like work, going out and blogging about stuff, playing games, more work, relationship stuff, and all the other excuses I can make to make you believe that I’m busy. Oh! Writer’s block is a very big contributor as well. Without the proper muse or fuel to write something worth reading or writing about, I tend to do other things like sleep or laze around.

I hope that I would be more eager to share my thoughts, my opinions, my daily life and the things that I’m into this year. I’ve attempted to put some soul to this blog by giving you a preview of what my life has been because reading this blog sometimes makes me feel inorganic. However, people’s writing styles may change for different reasons and for different point of views over a period of time. Maybe it’s just my way of maturing or perhaps, writing about my personal life in a more personal level is not something that I would really like to share these days.

I hope that I could write more scenes and finish some stories this year.

 

It’s quite funny that the things that I’m looking into as goals are somewhat like resolutions too. I think it’s a subtle resolution as well.

 

  • Wake up early. I’m a night owl. I am definitely a night person and an insomniac. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gotten used to this lifestyle for more than three years or perhaps, it’s just a mind over matter thing. I know that I can wake up early if I want to. Heck, I’ve survived xx years of school and was able to graduate on time but I’ve never really tried to do it voluntarily.

The most stress-free moment for me was when I stopped using my alarm clock and snoozing it several times in a day. However, many people say that waking up early and seeing Mr. Sun rise is a good thing for our health. Eating breakfast and eating on time helps as well. If I want to lose weight, I really need to be more disciplined not only mentally or physically but also emotionally, psychologically, etc. It’s also for my own good anyways.  I think I should try to wake up early this week. It’s already 12:33 AM here so, I can’t sleep early today and I’m still blogging! So, tomorrow, January 5. Procrastinating… again.

 

  • Do the house chores regularly. I’m not a perfect person. Nobody is. I tend to forget so many things and I admit that I only do the things that people usually remind me to do. Sometimes, I can become very lazy and forgetful. Those are both bad habits that I must change this year. I need to be more willing to do the house chores voluntarily and willingly. I must have an initiative so that Ino and I won’t fight often.

 

  • Learn more dishes to cook. It has been tried and tested that I know how to cook and basically can follow a cookbook. ‘Though I still can’t figure out the right timing when it comes to not overcooking the food or burning it. In my several attempts to be a good housewife, I was able to successfully discover my cooking skills. It may not be at par with my sister’s baking skills but I can say that the food that I cooked were quite edible. However, I really need to seriously learn the ways on how to properly cook a decent meal for my future husband, future children, my parents and myself. I’m actually proud to say that given the complete ingredients and a clear instruction on how to make it, I know that I can actually make a decent meal.

 

 

I’ve been meaning to let this entry go but it’s already 3 AM and I’m still thinking about the things that I want to accomplish. Perhaps, I should just update this entry next time.

 

For those who need this:

 

There was just this one time that I needed to tell him how I feel. One time… when I felt that there was lacking, almost running out, and about to be missing, my fear and insecurity got the best of me.

My fears got the best of me. My insecurity has taken over me. And before I could stop myself, it has already caused chaos between us.

What I was trying to do was to get him back and resolve our problems. I wanted him back. I wanted all of him. All of his time. I was trying to tell him how I feel, when we started arguing. The difference in tone combined with bitterness and anger has enveloped the room. The things I wanted to repair have just gotten worse. Some irreparable, some things we couldn’t take back.

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I found myself crying silent tears which became louder and louder. I found myself crying all night. I literally cried myself to sleep and when I woke up, I started sobbing again. He wanted to know what’s happening and what the problem was. But I couldn’t find the words to explain to him how I feel and how I am envisioning our relationship.

He told me that he was unhappy because I was micromanaging him. All the while, I thought that I am just showing concern. However, it didn’t occur to me that I was micromanaging him. I unintentionally hurt him. And he’s not happy anymore.

I didn’t know where to stand. I don’t know where we are or how our relationship would last. What would happen after this? What would become of our relationship? What will happen to us? What will happen to our relationship as we are getting close to getting married?

I am so scared to lose him. To lose everything in our relationship. To begin again. To start from scratch. I felt so scared to do things all over again. To see him with someone else. To find him doing things with someone else. To find him happy with someone else. Thoughts cloud my mind and all I ever wanna do is end my life.

All I know at that time was that I’m very sad. That I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. That I want to end this pain. So I grabbed a knife and almost slashed my wrist. And he found me. Took the knife away and stopped me from what I was supposed to do.

I was thinking of other ways to end my life that night. I was considering taking the poison from a medicine bottle. However, the thought of having the poison in my body and failing to kill myself made me think of the effects it would do to my body. I felt even more helpless and I found myself drowning in my own tears and my own thoughts. I felt so alone. I felt so helpless.

I didn’t know where to go. I can’t put my thoughts into words that night. He kept on asking me what’s going on and I can’t bring myself to talk. I can’t even tell him how messed up my thoughts are. It’s like a part of me was dying every second, every minute, every time.

I almost killed myself and I itch to play with that knife again. I am beyond self-pity but I am not yet ready to fail again in my next attempt. I was thinking of doing it again this morning. But my tired eyes and body didn’t let me. I was also scared to die.

I was just asking for time. I was asking it because he has his own world now and he’s doing the things he want to do. He has a life and I don’t. All I do is go to work and go home and stay at home on my rest days. It made me feel that I’m competing with his friends / his co-workers. It made me feel that he is moving on in his life and I’m left on the same spot. His lack of time made me feel that I am getting left behind. He also ignores me when we’re together which adds up to my paranoia. My thoughts have gone haywire after that. Insecurity has swallowed me whole.

This afternoon, I had already taken a shower when I felt the need to stay at home, waste my time in bed and wallow in tears. Some part of me wants to go to work to forget how bad I feel and how lonely I am. A part of me wants to stay at home and embrace the miserable feeling that I am feeling. My conscious mind is telling me that I can’t afford to be absent at work today and that I can’t afford to add troubles to my work now. That is the only thing that I have. That’s the only stable thing that I have right now and I can’t jeopardize it no matter how broken I am.

My consciousness won over my miserable thoughts. I went to work without bringing my gadgets. I was supposed to leave my phone and my powerbank but I am already late to work and I need to tell my team leader where I am so that I can inform him about my whereabouts. I ended up bringing my phone and powerbank to work.

I still informed Ino that I was headed to work. We eventually exchanged messages on hangouts and sort of patched things up.

My current plan is to go home alone. I won’t mind him to fetch me anymore. He must be busy. He must need more time to finish his work and after all the stress that I put him through, perhaps, he can’t fetch me again today.

I was trying to talk myself to it. That things have changed and that he may not do the same things that he used to do. I may have been somewhere in his list of priorities. He said he’s going to try to limit his time for himself to give time for me.

It just pains me that he needs to sacrifice his time for himself, for his enjoyment, to be with me. Or that our time to be together or his time to be with me must be sacrificed so that he can do the things that he want to do.

Yeah, we are now in that part of the relationship. Where I find myself asking what has happened the whole time and what happened to the time he used to spend with me? Why does it feel like I need to beg for his time now that we are about to get married? And certain thoughts have crossed my mind about what would happen to us if this problem continues.

I still don’t know where I stand. I still don’t know where to go. All I know is I want to fix this. I want to be with him. I don’t want to break up with him. But I’m not sure if he still needs me. If he still wants me. Or if he’s still happy with me.

He said that he always considers me in everything he does. That whenever he sents me messages, he shows concern and time for me. But that was all there is to it. When I go home or when I arrive at home, he’s usually busy with work and Facebook and other things. When he gets back to me, he’s always hot headed and irritated. Sometimes, I am not doing anything but he just gets angry. I tend to ask why and we’re back to arguing.

I’m so confused and I feel exhausted. I don’t know what’s left in this relationship. If he ever sees these things. If he ever noticed. If he ever cares.

I’m so far gone in his priorities. I feel so left alone. I don’t know where to start or how to pick up where we left off. Or where to even begin.

My subconscious is telling me something again. I am just choosing not to listen to it. I’m so close to giving up. I’m so close to letting go. I’m so close to leaving myself behind as well. I don’t really know what to do with my life anymore.

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ISIGAW MO SA UNIVERSE

Break muna ako sa pag-susulat ng English. Matagal na ding nag-bago ang style ko sa pag-susulat. Nakakamiss din yung mag-k-kwento ka lang kasi wala lang, trip mo lang.

So… medyo nag-hiatus ako sa pag-susulat kasi na-pre-occupy ako sa pag-babasa at panunuod ng series. Naging busy din ako sa buhay-buhay na nakwento ko na duon sa previous page ko. Bukod sa malapit nang mapanis ang 1 year na pag-babayad ni Ino sa domain na ‘to, naisipan ko na din na gamitin ito ulit dahil kinukulit na rin ako ng mga SEO kyeme dahil weak daw ang style ko sa pag-susulat at hindi daw ako makaka-attract ng readers sa ginagawa kong style ng pag-b-blog.

Actually, wala na akong pakielam kung may maattract man ako o wala sa blog ko. I think wala ngang soul yung blog ko nitong mga nakaraan dahil puro reviews at pag-kain ang sinusulat ko dito. At aminin ko man o hindi, most ng sinusulat ko dito tungkol sa mga lakad namin ni Ino.

So, maiba naman… eto, susubukan kong mag-kwento ng buhay ko sa paraan na hindi naman ako masyadong mapapagod. Hindi ko naman sinasabing nakakapagod ang mag-salita ng English. Ang sinasabi ko lang, minsan nakakapagod lang talagang mag-sulat. Nakakawala  ng muse at nakaka-tamad.

Salamat nga pala sa Kopiko 78 at ngayon e, mulat ako sa ganap na alas dos ng umaga. Yun kasi ang pinanulak ko nung hapunan. So, ang kinalabasan, eto Boom gising!

Hindi ko din alam kung may ma-aattract akong Filipino readers sa ganitong uri ng pag-susulat. Wala pa nga akong readers o followers dito. Yun pa naman ang goal ko nung mag-simula akong mag-sulat dito. Ang haba pa nga ng intro ko and everything. Nag-kalkal pa ako ng mga posts sa iba’t-ibang blogging platforms ko. Sa sobrang safe, ayun! Nilangaw.

Mali ata yung term ko na wala akong paki-elam. Meron naman. ‘Yun nga lang, after a few months naramdaman kong insincere at walang soul yung blog ko. Walang sustansya at bland. So, naisipan ko na lang daanin sa sulat ang oras kong Boom gising! Parang lasing din ang pakiramdam ko ngayon.

Masaya din ako kahit papa’no kasi nakapasa ako sa grammar test kahit na alam ko naman sa sarili kong this week lang ako nag-review. 70% petiks, 30% cramming sa review. Pero naka 27/30 pa din naman ako.

So far, wala naman akong ibang ma-k-kwento. Tuloy nanaman ang pag-p-plano namin ni Ino sa kasal at ayun, asa ospital pa si papa. Bukod diyan wala namang ibang interesting na ganap.

Pero gusto ko sanang balikan ang pag-susulat. Iba pa din kasi yung sinusulat mo yung mga nararamdaman mo, mga gusto mo, mga nararanasan mo at mga gusto mo pang mangyayari sa ibang pag-kakataon. Nakakamiss SUMIGAW SA UNIVERSE.

At eto na nga, sumisigaw na ako. Well, nag-t-type. Nag-nonobela at hindi pa inaantok. Astig talaga ang Kopiko 78. Woot! Free advertising! 

Isang araw na lang tapos weekend na! Pero tinatamad pa rin akong pumasok ng medyo slight. Sweldo na nga pala bukas! WOW! Motivation! XD

Medyo jirits din ako sa mga ka-opisina ko dahil sa ingay nila. Parang gusto kong bumalik sa dati kong pwesto para mas makapag-concentrate. Naiingayan ako sa paandar nila. Lalo na’t tumataas na ang TSR ko. Haha. 🙂

PMSing lang siguro ako dahil malapit na ako mag-karoon. At pressured dahil nag-sstart na nga kami sa preparation ng kasal.

So…

Anu-ano nga ba ang pwede ko pang isulat lalo na’t may halos 3 buwan pa ako para sulitin ang domain ko?

Matagal-tagal na din pala akong walang commentary. Siguro sa susunod dapat isulat ko ang opinion ko about child rearing: being bilingual can translate into school performace (re:grades) and yung mga pinsan o pamangkin mong nag-sasalamin na at a very young age thanks to technology.

Yung malabo kong plano sa pag-reresign. Iniisip ko kasi yung bayarin ko. At the same time, iniisip ko din kung kakayanin ko ba ang part-time / home based sched at pag-g-gym next year. Lalo na ang pag-aasikaso ng aming wedding.

Medyo sumadsad na din ang energy ko kaya maya-maya ay matutulog na din ako. For the mean time, ititigil ko muna ‘to. Babalik na lang ako sa pag-k-kwento pag-katapos ng ilang araw.

P.S

Wala pa pala akong Sunday Currently. Nakakatamad kasi gumawa ng cover photo. Wala din akong featured image para sa entry na ‘to dahil tatamarin nanaman ako. For sure.

September Update.

65th of #100happydays After watching Train to Busan

A photo posted by Franchesca (@cheskinita) on

 

Whoa! Two months of not uploading or writing anything, huh? Sorry about that.

I’ve been pretty busy with life and I admit that I got too lazy to write anything. I stopped updating my blog since we went to Sonamoo in Centerpoint Bldg. in Ortigas because I find it such a task to accomplish. I’m still contemplating whether I’m gonna post it today or next time or on the next time that I will remember it.

And here I am, planning to be a part-time teacher and a part-time blogger next year. Way to go, self!

Well to catch up:

Ino was actually planning to “just check out” some DSLRs in Trinoma or in Quiapo but we ended up in Glorietta because the store that he found online also has a branch in Glorietta 3. The “checking out” turned into buying his own DSLR.

After buying the DSLR, we headed to the cinema and decided to watch Train To Busan. He actually gave me a choice on whether to watch Cheats in Katipunan or watch Train to Busan in Glorietta.

I honestly want to watch Cheats play. I was wearing a comfortable shirt, a pair of shorts, and sneakers. I also brought my camera in case, we decide to watch Cheats play. However, I haven’t read Saab’s blog in a while and I think I’ve missed some parts of her life already. I still listen to her band’s songs on Spotify but I haven’t been to her Twitter, Instagram or her blog since early this year. I kinda felt that I don’t know much about what”s going on with her life that’s why I decided to watch Train to Busan instead. After all, I need to get back to reality really soon. Hey Monday, that’s you!

So… Train to Busan…

It was a very good movie. We enjoyed it very much and it was a very good Saturdate night spent.  I totally recommend the movie. The make up, the CGI, the actors and the stunts were to watch for. Money well spent on this movie. I enjoyed it a lot considering that Chuseok has just finished last Friday.

On other news, I heard that Papa B is now recovering from his operation. He had a four-hour operation this afternoon. We are planning to go to Antipolo tomorrow. And nope, he isn’t the reason why I haven’t blogged in a while.

Oh! Apart from the fact that it was around June or July when my plan was disconnected, I am so happy to inform you that I’m free of debt so far! I have finally paid my Globe Bill after almost three months. The worrying will only continue after I paid my PLDT Bill.

I also went back to church recently. I at least try to go to church religiously in my own volition.

Sometimes having a relationship with Ino is frustrating, challenging, and quite complex but I am trying my best to understand him and let go of some things affecting his mood.

I stopped going to the gym too and I can feel that I’m gaining weight again. I missed my laser session this month. I had my tooth extracted last August.

The team building was a blast.

Mama S is going to go back to Taytay for Kelly today. I’ve already talked to my sister and told her that she should take care of our mom. I don’t want her to experience those conflicts again. I also would like her to be able to eat well and be happy with Kelly. Unfortunately, I won’t  be able to see her often. However, it would mean that I might not need to pay for her electric bill again.

My only concern was that we bought her a fan but she can’t use it because she’s going to stay in Taytay starting today. I will miss her but I will call her more often.

Hmmmm… what else?

I haven’t continued with my wedding plans yet. I haven’t called the dressmaker yet. I should have done that over the long holiday but I was actually worried about the down payment for the first fitting. I was worried because Papa is still in the hospital and I know that I won’t be able to ask him for some money because of his surgery.

Some problems are still piling up but hopefully things will keep me sane. I also hope that I will be able to finish everything that I need to accomplish. It’s going to be back to work, back to reality on Monday.

I also hope that things will progress as the days go by.

I don’t think that I have improved much for the past three month. In my opinion, I have slacked a lot and was very relaxed. I have to be more responsible and more motivated to work. I’ve wasted enough money and time and a bunch of excuses to cover it up. Hopefully, I can gradually get back to work and get back in shape in the upcoming months.

Due to these reasons, I haven’t updated my Sunday Currently. But, Sunday has just started so I might write about it later.

How about you? What have you been up to lately?

At Home On A Friday

I’ve been away for quite a while. I know and I may not be sorry for missing a few days of not posting anything here.

I have been pretty occupied with several things these past few days. I noticed that I haven’t been writing anything personal aside from my food trips and other reviews.

I’ve been quite unattached to this blog because I don’t want to trouble you with my daily dramas in life. I realized as I age, that some things should be kept private. So that others won’t have any opportunity to pry on my personal life.

I noticed that I’ve been too busy writing about places I’ve been to but not about how I am feeling. I just didn’t feel the need to write it.

I’ve been busy with mobile games and reading books. I’ve been hooked with The Mortal Instrument’s City of Bones. I’m on Pal rt 3 and I’m almost finished with the first book. However, I was side tracked by the Filipino version of Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.

I also know that I am a few years late. This book has been made into a movie and I’m just starting to read it in Tagalog. Why? Because I got curious and as my by line says. I am the cat.

So far, I’m on Chapter 6 page 118. I haven’t read the dirty parts yet. I’m on my way there but I’m ready.

You must be wondering why I bought the Filipino version? It’s because sex is more titillating when it’s written in your native language. For me, it gives a different twist to the story and how it is being narrated.

Words that are easier to understand can make you imagine things that you might miss on an English book. Imagination can bring you to more places if you know what you are reading about. And for me that’s what makes it sexy as well as intriguing. So, that’s Fifty Shades of Grey for you.

Flood and heavy rains also caused me to stay at home and work at home. I’m blogging because I have some time to spare.

And oh! I discovered a new series from Lifetime. It’s called Unreal and I am getting hooked. Season 2 is better than the first one. 🙂 I can’t wait ’til Tuesday.

It’s PLL season once again! And as much as I love this show, I hate how they are going in this season. It is supposed to be a season of answers but they are just making more questions in this season. It’s getting meh for me.

Seriously… breaking up and getting back together after several seasons. It’s normal. Letting one of your best friends date your ex? Not cool. Cece being A and getting killed? Ok. Someone else hunting A’s killer and pointing it to the girls? So, it’s like Season 1 all over again. It’s getting boring already. They need to end it this season.

Well, that’s about it. I spent most of my time binge watching TV series from High Kick Season 3 to Unreal, up to reading books from City of Bones to Fifty Shades Of Grey. I also got tired of playing MMORPG on my phone that’s why I’m back.

I guess, writing about my personal everyday things is not that bad. 🙂

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