I have yet to back up my files on my old laptop and update my new one. My hard drive is waiting for me. However, December is really a busy month and it’s not just because of the holidays. There’s really a lot going on.
I’ve been thinking. It’s not the laptop that’s stopping me from saying what I want to say. It’s not my internet connection, either. It’s how conscious I am about what I want to publish. It’s how I wanted to write things.
I’ve been experimenting on my content. I did say I want to write in my vernacular but I haven’t really published anything organic. I’ve been back reading my old posts from different blogs but all it did was bring back memories. My writing style has changed and I couldn’t seem to bring myself to write in the same manner again.
I’ve been meaning to write something as a diary. I am trying. However, it just doesn’t really feel right. Maybe it’s really because I’m conscious. I’m overthinking things. This part of growing up sucks. I tend to think about my life decisions and how I regret some of it.
Perhaps, I wanted to bring back the ranting on this blog. At the back of my head, I was really searching for a place to air my thoughts and grievances and just be myself.
I haven’t been myself in a long time. For me, things have been different because co-existing is such a task. I always have to adjust and adapt to my husband’s way of life. We fight from time to time and each and every time, I’d tell him that I’ll stop doing this or that. Sometimes, these changes feel like I’m losing myself and I’m becoming a different person. Like parts of me have been broken down to someone’s liking and getting validation is something I need to feel satisfied or sane.
It’s crazy! Looking back, I find my posts or myself as a carefree, positive and ambitious person. Currently, I’m far from that. I don’t think I’m the same person. Probably because I’ve experienced enough and I gained more knowledge from those experiences. That, or, reality has hit me like something I can’t even describe.