I know that I haven’t posted anything since my last entry. I remember writing about blogging from time to time as one of my goals and yet not doing so because of so many things that have happened over the past few months.
I’m finally free from all the guilt that I have and all the pent-up emotions that I’ve been keeping for years. I was cool at first but I ended up breaking down to Papa yesterday, as I have told him about how my life has been since I left Antipolo.
It wasn’t easy. It was actually something that I wanted to tell them. It was something that I wanted to rub on their faces. It was something that I thought would show my pride.
It started when one of my aunts asked me about my wedding budget. So I showed her our finances. After that, she asked me about my plans after our wedding and where will my mom stay if the condo will be sold this year.
This is quite personal, but I’m going to give you a glimpse of my life for today.
I’ve already explained to them in detail. I’ve already told them how mom is like and what our plans are for her. However, things won’t work out the way we want it to be if she doesn’t have any plans for herself.
“It’s like talking to a wall,” I said.
She’s not the type who’s open to suggestions and solutions. Simply because, she wants things the easy way. She only wants things to be handed over to her while the others work their asses off and give it for free.
I’ve been trying to understand her and stood by her ever since we left Antipolo. However, my efforts aren’t enough. Not now, when I’m just a part-timer. Not now, when I’m still preparing for my wedding. Not now, when I know that she doesn’t want to help herself. Her initiative and drive to earn and make a living to sustain her needs should also be instilled in her. She should be our role model but she isn’t.
Oh, I value her care and how she takes care of me. I’m thankful and grateful for that but she isn’t perfect and her imperfections make it hard for us. It was bad enough that my relatives have to rub it in my face. And frankly speaking, I’m well aware of what’s going on. If only I have the means, I wouldn’t hesitate to help her. But I also have a lot on my plate right now and they aren’t helping at all.
I just hate the fact that they used the situation to go high and mighty on me. I was just beginning my life as an adult and I thought that I’m doing well as a self-efficient individual. I’ve been stuck on the idea of pleasing others that Ino often reminds me that I shouldn’t bother about pleasing them all the time. But still I do it because that’s what makes me at ease.
Now, I just have to let things go. I just don’t care about what they think right now or how bad they perceived me to be. I’m gonna live my life the way I want it to be.
I’m way past anger and I’ve accepted that I lost. I have never asked for anybody’s help ever since Mama Babes passed away. I have never asked for any financial support from Papa. I was in debt for more than a year, had to work for more than 8 hours everyday to sustain my life, and paid for everything that I need on my own. I never asked for anyone’s help because I don’t want to hear people telling me that I’m not grateful enough.
Now, I just don’t really care. If Papa will give me some money or not, it’s his choice. I am not gonna impose any amount or whatever. I just hope that he will see it the way I see it, that I’m grateful enough. That sending me to school is enough. That having his name is enough. That even if I need something, I just want him to appreciate everything that I’ve experienced. I just want him to be proud of my simple accomplishments. And if he will ever give me something, I hope that he will give me something on his own volition.
Aside from that, I’ve already accepted that I didn’t get the job that I was hoping for. I’ve gotten over it. Now, I’m just waiting for the go signal for my full-time job. I’m just enjoying my free time and my schedule as a part-time employee. Perhaps, it will be given to me when I’m 100% ready to wake up early and give my best for 8 hours.
I’m still open to other possibilities but I won’t be rushing anymore.
His will be done.