Journal

For those who need this:

 

There was just this one time that I needed to tell him how I feel. One time… when I felt that there was lacking, almost running out, and about to be missing, my fear and insecurity got the best of me.

My fears got the best of me. My insecurity has taken over me. And before I could stop myself, it has already caused chaos between us.

What I was trying to do was to get him back and resolve our problems. I wanted him back. I wanted all of him. All of his time. I was trying to tell him how I feel, when we started arguing. The difference in tone combined with bitterness and anger has enveloped the room. The things I wanted to repair have just gotten worse. Some irreparable, some things we couldn’t take back.

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I found myself crying silent tears which became¬†louder and louder. I found myself crying all night. I literally cried myself to sleep and when I woke up, I started sobbing again. He wanted to know what’s happening and what the problem was. But I couldn’t find the words to explain to him how I feel and how I am envisioning our relationship.

He told me that he was unhappy because I was micromanaging him. All the while, I thought that I am just showing concern. However, it didn’t occur to me that I was micromanaging him. I unintentionally hurt him. And he’s not happy anymore.

I didn’t know where to stand. I don’t know where we are or how our¬†relationship would last. What would happen after this? What would become of our relationship? What will happen to us? What will happen to our relationship as we are getting close to getting married?

I am so scared to lose him. To lose everything in our relationship. To begin again. To start from scratch. I felt so scared to do things all over again. To see him with someone else. To find him doing things with someone else. To find him happy with someone else. Thoughts cloud my mind and all I ever wanna do is end my life.

All I know at that time was that I’m very sad. That I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. That I want to end this pain. So I grabbed a knife and almost slashed my wrist. And he found me. Took the knife away and stopped me from what I was supposed to do.

I was thinking of other ways to end my life that night. I was considering taking the poison from a medicine bottle. However, the thought of having the poison in my body and failing to kill myself made me think of the effects it would do to my body. I felt even more helpless and I found myself drowning in my own tears and my own thoughts. I felt so alone. I felt so helpless.

I didn’t know where to go. I can’t put my thoughts into words that night. He kept on asking me what’s going on and I can’t bring myself to talk. I can’t even tell him how messed up my thoughts are. It’s like a part of me was dying every second, every minute, every time.

I almost killed myself and I itch to play with that knife again. I am beyond self-pity but I am not yet ready to fail again in my next attempt. I was thinking of doing it again this morning. But my tired eyes and body didn’t let me. I was also scared to die.

I was just asking for time. I was asking it because he has his own world now and he’s doing the things he want to do. He has a life and I don’t. All I do is go to work and go home and stay at home on my rest days. It made me feel that I’m competing with his friends / his co-workers. It made me feel that he is moving on in his life and I’m left on the same spot. His lack of time made me feel that I am getting left behind. He also ignores me when we’re together which adds up to my paranoia. My thoughts have gone haywire after that. Insecurity has swallowed me whole.

This afternoon, I had already taken a shower when I felt the need to stay at home, waste my time in bed and wallow in tears. Some part of me wants to go to work to forget how bad I feel and how lonely I am. A part of me wants to stay at home and embrace the miserable feeling that I am feeling. My conscious mind is telling me that I can’t afford to be absent at work today and that I can’t afford to add troubles to my work now. That is the only thing that I have. That’s the only stable thing that I have right now and I can’t jeopardize it no matter how broken I am.

My consciousness won over my miserable thoughts. I went to work without bringing my gadgets. I was supposed to leave my phone and my powerbank but I am already late to work and I need to tell my team leader where I am so that I can inform him about my whereabouts. I ended up bringing my phone and powerbank to work.

I still informed Ino that I was headed to work. We eventually exchanged messages on hangouts and sort of patched things up.

My current plan is to go home alone. I won’t mind him to fetch me anymore. He must be busy. He must need more time to finish his work and after all the stress that I put him through, perhaps, he can’t fetch me again today.

I was trying to talk myself to it. That things have changed and that he may not do the same things that he used to do. I may have been somewhere in his list of priorities. He said he’s going to try to limit his time for himself to give time for me.

It just pains me that he needs to sacrifice his time for himself, for his enjoyment, to be with me. Or that our time to be together or his time to be with me must be sacrificed so that he can do the things that he want to do.

Yeah, we are now in that part of the relationship. Where I find myself asking what has happened the whole time and what happened to the time he used to spend with me? Why does it feel like I need to beg for his time now that we are about to get married? And certain thoughts have crossed my mind about what would happen to us if this problem continues.

I still don’t know where I stand. I still don’t know where to go. All I know is I want to fix this. I want to be with him. I don’t want to break up with him. But I’m not sure if he still needs me. If he still wants me. Or if he’s still happy with me.

He said that he always considers me in everything he does. That whenever he sents me messages, he shows concern and time for me. But that was all there is to it. When I go home or when I arrive at home, he’s usually busy with work and Facebook and other things. When he gets back to me, he’s always hot headed and irritated. Sometimes, I am not doing anything but he just gets angry. I tend to ask why and we’re back to arguing.

I’m so confused and I feel exhausted. I don’t know what’s left in this relationship. If he ever sees these things. If he ever noticed. If he ever cares.

I’m so far gone in his priorities. I feel so left alone. I don’t know where to start or how to pick up where we left off. Or where to even begin.

My subconscious is telling me something again. I am just choosing not to listen to it. I’m so close to giving up. I’m so close to letting go. I’m so close to leaving myself behind as well. I don’t really know what to do with my life anymore.

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